Think like a killer for a second. You want to go out in a blaze of CNN klieg lights and dominate the news cycle for days. You want them to give you in death all the “respect” you were denied all your life. All you have to do to get this attention is to slaughter a bunch of innocent people.
So where do you go to maximize the casualties? Why a “Gun-Free” zone of course! How humiliating would it be if you hauled out your gun and tried to kill some folks only to get burned down by a housewife in the shower curtain aisle of Bed Bath & Beyond? You’d be the laughingstock of the entire country!
Luckily, Moms Demand Action, a wholly owned subsidiary of Michael Bloomberg, Inc. has printed up this handy-dandy guide to gun free locations for you to terrorize.
You might get killed in the Bed Bath & Beyond, but IKEA is totally gun free! It’ll be like shooting fish in a barrel! Swedish Fish, in a Swedish barrel!
You could get your head blown off in an Office Depot, but in Staples, you’re biggest fear is getting a paper cut while mowing down defenseless people!
And who could forget the Kroger grocery store here in Garner? I go there all the time carrying a gun. Can you imagine your humiliation when you catch a .45 ACP in the face? No, go to Whole Foods instead! Mass numbers of underfed hippies with too much cash and reflexes slowed by living off granola instead of meat. Plus, if you get tired during your slaughter, you could always fortify yourself in the bulk nut and snack aisle!
All you future mass murderers should make sure to put a great big thank you to Nanny Bloomberg and Moms Demand Action for helping you find all the easy places to commit mass murder. Future terrorists, too! School shootings are so last week. Do something original and knock over a Modells.
And make sure to print and carry you Moms Demand Action card with you so you don’t wander into the wrong store by mistake.
It’s a mistake that could cost you your life!